


Thor: Usurped, Unseated, Unworthy

by d0d0bird



Series: Marvel: Tales to Tantalize! [30]
Category: Thor (Comics), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Awesome Brunnhilde | Valkyrie (Marvel), BAMF Brunnhilde | Valkyrie (Marvel), Break Up, Break Up Talk, Confused Thor (Marvel), Cuckolding, Emasculation, Embarrassed Thor (Marvel), Embarrassment, F/M, Gen, Heartbreak, Humiliation, Humor, Hurt Thor (Marvel), Insecure Thor (Marvel), Loki (Marvel) Is A Little Shit, Oblivious Thor (Marvel), Pansexual Thor (Marvel), Pantsing, Partner Betrayal, Polyamorous Thor (Marvel), Public Humiliation, Rejection, Ridicule, Second-Hand Embarrassment, Situational Humiliation, Social Humiliation, Submission, Teasing, Thor (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Thor (Marvel) Whump, Thor (Marvel) is a Mess, Verbal Abuse, Verbal Humiliation, Wet Willies, wedgie, wedgies, wet willy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:49:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23618545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/d0d0bird/pseuds/d0d0bird
Summary: Thor returns to claim his throne after nine months of absence. Unfortunately for him, in that time Brunnhilde stepped up and took the throne for herself. Thor confronts her over his birthright, but his effort is hindered by Brunnhilde’s competency as All-Mother and the fact that Jane Foster is now worthy of Mjolnir instead of him.Will Thor be able to reclaim his throne and his dignity?
Relationships: Brunnhilde | Valkyrie & Thor (Marvel), Fandral/Thor (Marvel), Jane Foster/Thor, Sif/Thor (Marvel)
Series: Marvel: Tales to Tantalize! [30]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1507763
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	Thor: Usurped, Unseated, Unworthy

“You see,” regaled Thor, “When I first came to Midgard, it was in search of my lost hammer.* Once I retrieved it, I decided to stay a while with Jane Foster. Then I was called upon to join the Avengers!** Then I had a wondrous time fighting evil and going on a date with Jane Foster, which ended in her acquiring my hammer.*** THEN I find out that in my several months of absence from Asgard, my throne was taken from me!”

*In [She-Hulk and Thor: My Sister Stole My Hammer](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21527050)

**In [Avengers: Part of the Team](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22190941)

***In [Thor: Losers and Lovers](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23161468) Whew! What a recap!

“Okay,” nodded the registrar without looking up, “just put it all in the form and bring it back when you’re done.”

Thor, Loki, and Jane Foster were standing in a small room of the Triskelion, where Thor was explaining his request for a leave of absence to the registrar working the appeals desk. Loki and Jane were sitting in chairs elsewhere in the room. Loki was in his masculine form and wore a tight green T-shirt, black skinny jeans, and brown dress shoes. Jane was wearing a black maxi dress, ruby-adorned jewelry, and black boots. She had dressed as best for Asgard as she could figure. Mjolnir had taken the form of an umbrella and was currently resting on her lap.

“Hm…” said Thor, wandering back to the chairs with his form and clipboard in hand.

“Trouble?” asked Loki, who was twirling a pencil amidst his fingers to alleviate his boredom.

“I just don’t understand Midgardians’ obsession with these… forms,” said Thor, “Every second I spend here is another that Brunnhilde uses to corrupt Asgard!”

“Yeah,” said Jane, “but you do have a job now… You can’t just leave it to deal with personal stuff without telling anyone.”

“I told _him_!” said Thor, pointing at the uninterested registrar.

“I know,” nodded Jane.

“Jane Foster,” said a woman loudly as she entered the room.

Jane found herself instinctively standing in attention. Maria Hill had just walked into the room and her voice was enough to command Jane’s total compliance. She had only said her name once and Jane was already more afraid of her than she had been of Agent Romanoff.

“Yes ma’am!” chirped Jane, saluting.

“Come with me,” ordered Hill.

Jane turned back to the brothers. Thor was deeply engrossed in filling out his form, while Loki was so bored he looked like he would explode. Jane figured they’d be fine without her for a bit. She followed Hill.

Hill led Jane down a long hall in the Triskelion before finally opening a door into a dimly lit room. Jane walked in. She realized, to her concern, that it was an interrogation room. She flinched as she heard the door shut behind her and Hill walked past her.

“Have a seat,” ordered Hill.

Jane did. This woman was intimidating. She wore a standard dark blue S.H.I.E.L.D. uniform, but something about the way she carried herself made it clear how much weight her authority carried. Jane fiddled with the umbrella that was Mjolnir. Hill dropped a manilla folder on the table.

“We’ve heard reports of unusual activity in Chicago,” she said, “Given Thor’s presence there, we assumed it to be related to him. Is this correct?”

“Um,” said Jane, unsure if it was a trick question, “Yes?”

“Good,” said Hill, “One of these reports was an emergency room admission record of one Darcy Lewis.”

Jane felt herself go cold.

 _Emergency room!?_ she thought nervously.

“Doctors said they had to surgically remove half of a pair of underpants from _inside_ her,” said Hill calmly, “Any idea how they got there?”

“Um…” stuttered Jane, poorly feigning unfamiliarity “She ate them?”

“It was the result of a tempestuous super wedgie,” explained Hill as if the words coming out of her mouth were completely normal, “Do you know what that is?”

“...a really bad wedgie?”

“An _extremely_ bad wedgie,” corrected Hill, “One that isn’t possible for a normal human to give. Whoever did it would have needed the power of a jet engine.”

Jane shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She didn’t realize how severely she had wedgied Darcy.

“Or,” continued Hill, “a really, really good hammer.”

Jane swallowed.

“Darcy Lewis is your roommate, yes?” asked Hill, becoming impatient.

“...yes.”

“Did you ask Thor to-”

“No!” blurted out Jane, not wanting Thor to get in trouble, “It was me. I did it.”

“How?”

Jane sighed. She tapped her umbrella on the ground. A flash of lightning burst from it, blinding Hill for a moment. When the light cleared Jane was standing with Mjolnir in hand and a full suit of armor on.

“I see,” said Hill, smiling, “So you and Thor can both use this hammer.”

“No,” said Jane, “Just me now.”

“Really?” asked Hill, thinking carefully.

“I accept full responsibility for what I did to Darcy,” said Jane, “Whatever punishment you see fit-”

“That’ll be all,” said Hill, gathering the files, “You’re dismissed.”

“I… Really?”

“Yes,” said Hill, “Is that a problem?”

“No ma’am!” said Jane attentively, following the woman out of the room as she left.

Jane reverted to her normal form before returning to the appeals desk. Thor was still finishing up the form when she returned.

“What was that all about?” asked Loki, desperate for anything to do besides watch Thor fill out a form.

“Nothing,” said Jane, “She just wanted to know about the hammer.”

“Complete!” declared Thor, holding his clipboard up with both hands.

“Finally,” groaned Loki, “Here, I’ll turn it in.”

“Thanks!” smiled Thor, handing him the clipboard.

“So, how do we get to Asgard?” asked Jane.

“Mjolnir can take us there,” explained Thor.

“I don’t…” muttered Jane nervously.

“It’s easy!” continued Thor, “Fly straight up for the stars and focus on the thought of Asgard. The Bifrost will do the rest.”

“Okay…” said Jane tentatively.

The three of them went outside. Thor and Loki each placed a hand on Jane’s shoulder. She tapped her umbrella, transformed into the Goddess of Thunder, spun the hammer, and flung it upward while thinking of all the years she had dreamed of seeing Asgard.

***

Jane stepped out of the bright rainbow light and gasped. Asgard was a gorgeous sight to behold. The clear blue sky held a warm golden sun that shone down without shadow or glare. Emerald green hills adorned with charming cottages formed the horizon, while a beautiful and enormous golden palace stood in the center of the landscape.

“I can’t believe that Brunnhilde has poisoned this once-radiant land with her corrupt rule…” said Thor angrily.

“I don’t know,” shrugged Loki, “It looks fine to me.”

Loki was now in her feminine form, wearing a deep green gown and a golden circlet on her head.

“Before I take back the throne,” said Thor, “I must ensure that my people are safe!”

Jane smiled at Thor. She had always had a fondness for him, even before she met him. The Norse legends of Thor as a gallant fighter and capable leader were what she dreamed of in a partner. Never had she once guessed that she would meet such a man, let alone that he would be interested in her! She couldn’t wait until this was settled and they could return to each other’s affections.

“Come,” ordered Thor, jogging ahead, “Let us start with the farmlands.”

The three journeyed to the farmlands beside the hills. Jane took in the atmosphere as they went, trying to cope with the reality that she had truly traveled to the land of the Norse gods. Before long, they were speaking to a farmer as they looked across his land. It was rich with crops.

“It has been a wonderful year!” smiled the farmer, “For the past nine months, none of us have wanted for resources! The throne provides us with as many necessities as we need to keep our farms producing food for all of Asgard!”

“Oh,” realized Thor uncomfortably, “So you have not suffered under Brunnhilde’s rule?”

“By the gods, no!” laughed the farmer, “Asgard has never prospered more than it has under her rule!”

Thor looked nervously over to Jane and Loki. They shrugged. Jane didn’t know what to make of this. Loki didn’t really care.

“Surely once I regain my place as All-Father,” pivoted Thor, “Your harvest will be even more bountiful and your life even more fulfilling!”

“Wonderful!” smiled the farmer, “What is your policy plan?”

“My what?”

“Your policy plan,” continued the farmer, “Brunnhilde has enacted dozens of new policies that have redistributed funds and resources to professions where the workers have historically been underprovided for. She has also downsized and restructured the military to spend those resources on the people while still maintaining the peace through well-negotiated terms with our allies. How do you plan to provide for us?”

“Um…” muttered Thor, “Well, I am the rightful heir! Once I take the throne, the land will prosper!”

“...I see,” said the farmer after a moment, “...do you _have_ to retake the throne?”

“Of course I do!” declared Thor angrily, “I am Thor, God of Thunder! I will not allow an usurper to keep what is mine!”

“Even if she’s better at it?” asked the farmer.

“Yes, even if she’s-” said Thor, before shaking his head and reconsidering what he had just heard, “She’s NOT better at it! She is merely a pretender! I am the true All-Father!”

“Alright,” sighed the farmer, “If you do take the throne back though, would you consider keeping the policies she’s implemented?”

Thor huffed and walked away. Loki and Jane followed after him. Jane didn’t know what to make of that exchange. The farmer had made a lot more sense than Thor did, but this place was totally foreign to Jane. Maybe being the rightful heir to the throne really was an important aspect of All-Fathers here. After all, Mjolnir only worked for those who were worthy. She decided to hold off on any judgment for now.

“Where are we going?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” admitted Thor angrily, “I was going to rally the people to retake the throne with me, but now I don’t know if they’ll be interested.”

“Who needs the people?” asked Loki with a smile, “You’re Thor, God of Thunder! You can retake the throne yourself! You don’t need any help!”

“You’re right, sister,” nodded Thor, “If I must do this alone, I will do it alone. Come! Let us confront the tyrannical All-Mother for her crimes!”

Jane was concerned. Loki seemed too excited about this for it to be good.

***

“And so you see, All-Mother,” continued the blacksmith, “since the downsizing of the army, the other blacksmiths and I have found ourselves without work. We used to depend on warriors requiring weapons and armor. Without that, we are without a way of making money.”

Brunnhilde nodded. She sat upon an ornate throne perched atop a small rise at the end of the throne room. She wore fine silver robes over a black tunic, black tights, and black boots. She wore a crown that had been forged of both silver and gold, twisted into a unique but still elegant adornment. 

Opposite Brunnhilde was the enormous throne room filled with citizens. Brunnhilde had opened the throne room to grievances and concerns, so citizens would come directly to her for help. She found it to be the best way to keep up with the concerns of the common people. The approach was well-received and she spoke with over a hundred citizens a day. Her personal guard stood a distance in front of the throne, keeping the crowd back as one by one citizens formed a line to approach Brunnhilde. Right now it was this blacksmith’s turn.

“Thank you for bringing this to my attention,” said Brunnhilde loudly, “When I downsized our army, I did not consider the effect it would have on you or your fellow blacksmiths. Tell me: do you and your peers have experience producing tools rather than weapons?”

“Well yes,” said the blacksmith, “but there is little demand for equipment like that in Asgard.”

“There is in Svartalfheim,” said Brunnhilde, “I will speak to them about a labor exchange. Given how happy they are with our recent trade agreement, I believe they will be amenable to the request.”

“Thank you, All Mother,” said the smith, bowing to her.

Brunnhilde nodded to him to be dismissed. He walked off. She was awaiting the next citizen when she heard a commotion coming from the crowd. She looked over to see Sif, the head of the guard, struggling with several individuals trying to get past them. Brunnhilde saw Thor and Loki among them. She didn’t recognize the other woman.

“Thor! Loki!” barked Brunnhilde angrily, “What is the meaning of this!? Do you have a grievance or concern?”

“Indeed!” bellowed Thor, “I-”

“Then get in line with the others and wait your turn!” she ordered.

Thor paused and looked around awkwardly. A line had indeed formed on the edge of the crowd, leading up to the throne so that the citizens could walk up one by one and speak to Brunnhilde. Thor looked angrily back at her.

“I will not be-” he began.

“SIF!” shouted Brunnhilde.

Sif drew her weapon and pointed it at the trio. Thor and Loki assumed battle stances. Jane squealed and took several steps back. Sif had almost killed her once before.

“Lady Sif!” said Thor indignantly to his lover, “Surely you’re not-”

“My sword is sworn to the All-Mother,” said Sif plainly, “Any who oppose her must face me directly.”

Thor looked at Sif for a moment. Then he looked to Loki and Jane. Then he looked back at Sif and finally up at Brunnhilde.

“Get in line,” whispered Brunnhilde coldly, “and wait your turn.”

The whole room went dead silent as she said those words. Thor grumbled and walked down to the end of the line, folding his arms in indignance as the entire room stared at him.

Well over a dozen citizens aired their grievances with Brunnhilde before Thor. The wait took almost an hour before it was finally Thor’s turn. He confidently approached the throne and pointed a declarative finger at Brunnhilde.

“Usurper!” he cried, “I demand you relinquish the throne to me at once!”

“I see,” nodded Brunnhilde, “What is your reasoning for this demand?”

“The throne is mine by right!” yelled Thor, “I will not have it stolen by a pretender!”

“So you claim that you would make a better All-Ruler than I?” asked Brunnhilde.

“I would!” affirmed Thor.

“Can you cite anything from your history as All-Father that would indicate this?”

“Well,” grumbled Thor, “I’m the rightful heir.”

“Yes, yes, we know,” said Brunnhilde, “but what have you done as All-Father to show your capability?”

“Um…”

“What about when you fled Asgard for nine months without warning?” suggested Brunnhilde, “You left your kingdom without a ruler and with no system in place to keep it under control while you were gone.”

The crowd began to murmur. Loki chuckled to herself. Jane outright gasped. Thor looked around in discomfort, painfully aware of how bad he looked in front of everyone right now.

“Yes, well,” said Thor, “There was a matter I had to attend to.”

“What matter was that?” asked Brunnhilde.

“I had to retrieve Mjolnir!” answered Thor, “It had been lost in the Bifrost!”

“I see,” said Brunnhilde, “How did Mjolnir become lost in the Bifrost?”

“Well I threw it into it,” said Thor plainly.

“So as All-Father,” said Brunnhilde slowly, “We would have to expect you to disappear for moons on end whenever you throw your hammer and miss?”

“I didn’t miss!” argued Thor, “I did it on purpose!”

“Why would you do that?” asked Brunnhilde.

“Well,” admitted Thor, only now realizing how ridiculous he must have seemed, “Loki told me to.”

“Loki… Told you to?” asked Brunnhilde, holding in a smile, “And you listened to him?”

“It’s true!” shouted Loki from the crowd.

The whole crowd began to murmur again. Thor began to twiddle his fingers and tap his foot nervously. This was going poorly.

“So you expect us to be ruled by an All-Father who abandons the throne at a mere whim of his sister?” asked Brunnhilde.

“She dared me!” huffed Thor defensively, “I couldn’t simply let her believe that I was incapable of throwing Mjolnir that far!”

“Of course you couldn’t,” said Brunnhilde, “So upon being dared, you threw your weapon to another world and spent months searching for it. Now all you have to show for it is… Wait, where is Mjolnir? I thought you said you retrieved it.”

“I did,” explained Thor quietly, “but then I stmmphh mph mph…”

“I’m sorry,” chortled Brunnhilde, “What was that?”

“But then I stopped being able to lift it,” admitted Thor shamefully.

Brunnhilde broke out into an uproarious laugh. The crowd followed suit moments later, with only Loki and Jane not actively pointing and laughing at the former All-Father. Thor was turning pink now.

“Even your own weapon finds you unworthy!” laughed Brunnhilde, “Yet you expect to sit on the throne!?”

“I am not unworthy!” whined Thor, stomping his foot, “I just can’t pick it up right now, that’s all.”

“Don’t worry,” sneered Brunnhilde, “plenty of men have that problem.”

More laughter from the crowd. Thor was bright red in the face, but doing his absolute best to look unaffected and confident. It wasn’t working.

“It’s not that I’m unworthy!” insisted Thor, “It’s just that Mjolnir has seen fit to bond with someone else, that’s all!”

“Who?” asked Brunnhilde.

“Jane Foster of Midgard,” answered Thor, gesturing to the chubby girl beside Loki.

“A Midgardian!?” exclaimed Brunnhilde with a huge smile, “Mjolnir has abandoned you for a _Midgardian_!?!”

The whole room burst into the biggest laugh yet. Thor fought the humiliation with every ounce of his being.

“I will not stand for this!” he declared indignantly, “It’s my hammer and my throne! It’s mine! I’m worthy, not you! I’m the true All-Father! Me!”

The crowd was still laughing, getting louder and louder.

“Stop that!” cried Thor bashfully at the crowd, to no avail.

“Can you blame them?” asked Brunhlde, “It’s not often one sees a disgraced All-Father throw a temper tantrum.”

“I’m NOT a disgraced All-Father!”

“You’re right,” grinned Brunnhilde, “You’re not All-Father at all.”

The laughter got louder. Thor gritted his teeth and clenched his fists.

“Thank you for your time,” said Brunnhilde, “Next!”

“I am not finished!” protested Thor.

“Guards!” shouted Brunnhilde.

Soon Sif and her warriors had surrounded Thor, weapons at the ready as he looked nervously around. At first he seemed angry, but he became timid when his eyes met Sif.

“Come on, Sif!” he exclaimed, his voice slightly cracking.

“Sorry, Thor,” said Sif, “You must leave now. You are disturbing the All-Mother.”

Thor slowly lowered his head in dejection. He then shuffled out of the throne room as the guard followed closely behind, weapons out and pointed at him. Loki and Jane ran after him a few moments after he was gone.

 _Well,_ thought Brunnhilde, _That was easy._

***

“Wow,” chuckled Loki as they walked through the courtyard, “That was brutal.”

“Is it true?” Jane asked Thor, jogging to catch up with his brisk pace, “Did you really just leave the throne without telling anyone for almost a year?”

“Yes,” admitted Thor in frustration, “I’m getting the impression that is frowned upon.”

“That’s a safe assumption,” said Loki.

Thor let out a roar of frustration punched the side of the palace gate archway, causing a loud echoing ring across the courtyard. Everyone turned and looked at them. Thor awkwardly waved and pretended not to have done anything.

“Thor!” came a familiar voice.

“Fandral,” smiled Thor weakly, “Finally, a friendly face.”

The slender and well-groomed man walked up to them, hand rested on the smallsword at his hip. He walked with a strut and gave no notice to anyone other than the three he was approaching. He embraced Thor in a brief hug and kissed his cheek.

“It’s good to see you back, old friend,” smiled Fandral.

“It’s good to be back,” smiled Thor back, “Though I wish it weren’t under such demeaning circumstances.”

“Yes,” said Fandral, “I imagine this must be utterly mortifying for you.”

“You could say that,” admitted Thor.

“Perhaps it is for the best,” suggested Fandral, “After all, didn’t you always say that your heart yearned for something other than being the All-”

“There is still a way,” interrupted Loki abruptly, “If you are truly determined and confident in your abilities.”

“I am!” declared Thor with complete and yet unfounded confidence.

“Succession by Combat,” said Loki.

“Loki!” exclaimed Fandral, “That hasn’t been practiced in millenia!”

“It’s still in the law,” said Loki, “I checked.”

“Succession by Combat?” asked Jane.

“It’s an old tradition,” explained Fandral, “The reasoning is any All-Ruler must be strong enough to defend the throne, so any warrior who can best them in combat can succeed them. However, the duel must be agreed upon by both parties. It also favors strong warriors rather than qualified leaders, which is why it isn’t used anymore.”

“It’ll be used today!” declared Thor.

“Wait-” began Jane, but Thor had already begun his sprint back to the throne room.

The others followed. Soon they came across the same guards that had escorted Thor out of the palace, including Sif. This time, Thor ran at them as fast as he could, emitting sparks of lightning from his muscles as he leapt up and over their heads, continuing his charge when his feet hit the ground.

Jane paused to stare in awe at the sight of the leap. Though Mjolnir had chosen Jane to be worthy, it seemed that Thor still retained his powers. He might have a chance at beating Brunnhilde. Still, Jane had to wonder whether Thor as All-Father was really a good idea.

“Brunnhilde!” bellowed Thor as he entered the throne room, “I challenge you to Succession by Combat!”

The room, which had been bustling with citizens hoping to speak with the All-Mother, went quiet at the sound of the loud challenge. Brunnhilde smiled. She slowly rose from her throne, tossing the silver robes aside. She marched across the throne room while maintaining eye contact with Thor the whole way. When she approached him, she brought her face so close to his that he could smell and hear her breath. Her grin was one of absolute confidence.

“You’re on, Odinson.”

***

Cheering crowds filled the colosseum, every seat occupied by an enthusiastic attendant of the event. Succession by Combat had not happened in a long time, so everyone wanted to see it. It was to be a great battle between powerful rulers. It was sure to be a battle worth seeing. Loki and Jane found themselves squeezing through crowds just to find an open seat.

“Here we are,” said Loki, pointing to two attendents sitting beside them.

The attendants disappeared in a green light, having been mere illusions cast by Loki to save their seats. Loki had changed outfits for the occasion. Still in her feminine form, she wore a men’s Asgardian suit made of velvet-like emerald green fabric with gold adornments.

“Do you think he’ll actually win?” asked Jane.

“Who knows?” shrugged Loki, “Popcorn?”

Loki manifested a bag of popcorn in her hand and offered it to Jane.

“No thanks,” she said.

“Lords, ladies, and all others,” announced a loud voice, “Please welcome the strongest of the Valkyries, the All-Mother herself, the undefeated champion of combat: Brunnhilde!!!”

The crowd erupted in cheers as Brunnhilde emerged from one side of the colosseum. She had changed out of her royal clothing in favor of her armor. Valkyrie armor was lighter weight than most, allowing for swifter movement. She carried a single shortsword in her hand.

“Now, you know him as the God of Thunder,” continued the voice, “but today he hopes to reclaim his title of All-Father. Please welcome the son of Odin, THOR!!!”

Thor entered the arena from the opposite end as Brunnhilde. Unlike Brunnhilde, Thor was completely decked out in weapons and armor. He wore a massive set of plate armor that caused him to walk awkwardly. Countless war hammers, axes, and swords were strapped to his back. He drew two of the axes and banged them together, letting out a battle cry.

“Oh dear,” sighed Loki, “They must have let them pick their own weapons.”

“Can they pick as many as they want?” asked Jane in confusion.

“I suppose so,” said Loki, “because it looks like Thor has as many as he could possibly carry.”

“BEGIN!!!” cried the voice.

Thor roared as he charged toward Brunnhilde. Brunnhilde stuck the tip of her sword into the ground, steadied it, and then leaned against it casually. She feigned a yawn, earning a laugh from the crowd. This only enraged Thor further, who promptly threw both axes at her.

Brunnhilde easily sidestepped both axe throws. Then Thor drew two shortswords and threw those as well, though they flew so poorly that Brunnhilde didn’t even have to dodge them. Thor then attempted to finish his charge with a running tackle.

Brunnhilde jumped straight up, landed on Thor’s back, and shoved his helmet down onto his head before leaping away. The crowd laughed at Thor as he grunted and struggled to adjust his helmet.

“Enough of this!” cried Thor as he pulled his helmet off and tossed it aside, “You will yield the throne to me!”

“Hm…” said Brunnhilde, feigning consideration, “No, I won’t.”

Thor then proceeded to draw his weapons one by one and throw each of them directly at Brunnhilde. She dodged and deflected each of the swords, axes, and large hammers with ease before beckoning Thor to charge her again. When he ran out of weapons, Thor began to strip off his armor and throw that too. Soon he was down to just the black shirt and trousers he wore under the armor.

Thor reached his hand out and held it there. Brunnhilde tilted her head in confusion.

“Oh no…” groaned Loki.

“What is it?” asked Jane, “What is he doing?”

“He’s too used to using Mjolnir,” explained Loki, “He’s forgotten that not everything is a throwing weapon. He’s also forgotten that Mjolnir is the only weapon that returns to his hand on command. It’s mostly instinct for him at this point, really.”

Thor grunted, put his arm down, and continued his charge. Brunnhilde stepped aside but put out her ankle, causing the God of Thunder to trip and fall onto his face with the full force of the charge. Loki laughed particularly hard at that one.

Thor slowly got to his feet, during which time Brunnhilde smacked his butt with the flat of her sword. Thor stood up indignantly and grabbed his rear end, blushing. He turned angrily to Brunnhilde again and lunged, but once again she dodged and smacked his butt with her sword. This time she hit harder. This pattern continued, with Thor lunging and missing and Brunnhilde spanking him harder and harder with her sword.

“Stop that at once!” cried out Thor over the laughter of the crowd, “I am a worthy opponent. You will treat me as such!”

“Oh?” said Brunnhilde, “Are you saying you’d prefer I use blade itself rather than the flat?”

“Yes!”

Brunnhilde swung her sword horizontally in front of her at blinding speed. Thor gasped and took a step back, but she hadn’t hit. That’s when Thor realized that while she hadn’t cut him, she had cut the top of his trousers. The pants, no longer held up by the tension at the waistband, fell to the ground. Thor was left standing there in his white britches. This elicited the biggest laugh yet. Thor’s hands rushed instinctively to cover his crotch as his face turned red.

“Oh God,” groaned Jane, unable to bear the second-hand embarrassment of what was happening.

Brunnhilde then delivered a full force punch to Thor’s face, sending him flying across the arena and into the wall, leaving a crater. Thor shifted around on the ground, moaning in pain. Brunnhilde strutted up to him, knelt beside him, and forced him into a headlock.

“Yield!” she ordered.

“Never!” declared Thor.

“Have it your way,” grinned Brunnhilde.

She stuck her index finger in her mouth and made sure to completely soak it in her spit. Once that was done, she drew the dripping wet finger from her mouth and stuck it right into Thor’s ear. The muscular man squealed in discomfort, kicking his legs and trying futilely to get out of the headlock.

“YIELD!” she cried.

“NEVER!” cried Thor back.

Thor cringed as Brunnhilde shoved her finger further into his ear, twisting and pushing it more and more to completely coat the inside of the ear with saliva. Thor went cross eyed with disgust and discomfort.

“Ah!” he yelled, “Stop!”

“First you have to yield.”

“NEVER!”

Brunnhilde decided to take it up a notch. She released him from the headlock to pin his face to the ground. Then she grabbed his right wrist and twisted his arm up behind his back. He cried out in pain.

“Yield!”

“Never!”

Brunnhilde twisted the arm farther.

“Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, OW! FINE!” he yelled, “I yield, I yield.”

“Who’s the All-Mother?” demanded Brunnhilde with a confident smile.

“Yr rr…” muttered Thor.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” she asked, twisting father.

“Ah! Stop! You are! You are!” he repeated more audibly.

“And who’s a pathetic loser?”

Thor frowned indignantly. Brunnhilde twisted even further.

“OW!!! Okay, okay!” pled Thor, “I am. I’m a pathetic loser.”

“Good,” laughed Brunnhilde, pushing him aside, “Thanks for the match. It was fun.”

The crowd cheered as Brunnhilde strutted out of the colosseum. Now she was officially All-Mother by right. Thor dejectedly got to his feet, but his trousers fell right to the ground. He had forgotten they were severed. The crowd’s cheers became laughter as Thor hurriedly pulled his pants up and ran out of the ring. Jane stared in absolute astonishment.

“Well,” mused Loki, “That was certainly interesting.”

***

“Thor!” exclaimed Jane in concern, running over to the sad former All-Father, “Thor, are you okay?”

Thor turned and looked to Jane. They were standing just outside the colosseum, having just run into each other. Thor closed his eyes, clenched his fists, and nodded. Then he opened his eyes with a huge smile.

“Of course I am!” he declared, “This is only a minor setback! I will find a way to get my throne back even if-”

“Thor?”

Thor looked over and saw Sif and Fandral approaching. They walked up to the group as they all formed something of a circle.

“I wanted to speak with you,” said Sif.

“So did I,” said Fandral.

“Wait,” said Sif to Fandral, “what did _you_ want to talk to him about?” 

“Uh…” said Fandral nervously, “I think maybe you should go first.”

“What is the meaning of this?” asked Thor.

“I think I should say what I have to say second,” said Sif.

“Why?” asked Jane.

“It’s just... “ said Sif, trying to think of an answer, “I just think it’s better heard second, that’s all.”

“Trust me,” said Fandral, “What I have to say should _definitely_ go second.”

“Alright,” inhaled Sif, “Here it goes: Thor, I’m breaking up with you.”

Fandral and Jane gasped. Thor’s jaw dropped. Loki let out a quiet “oh my.”

“But… why?” asked Thor.

“You’ve been kind of selfish lately,” she explained, “Leaving us to go hang out on Midgard, trying to take the throne back from Brunnhilde… Did you know she made me captain of the guard?”

“I did not know that,” admitted Thor, “no.”

“I’m sorry, Thor,” continued Sif sympathetically, “I just really do think it’s for the best. Still friends?”

“Yeah,” nodded Thor sadly, “still friends.”

Thor and Sif shared a long, platonic hug.

“Oh dear…” muttered Fandral, “This is going to make the thing I have to say very awkward…”

“What is it?” asked Thor.

“I’m… also breaking up with you.”

“WHAT!?”

“I’m sorry, Thor,” said Fandral, “but I do have a reputation to think about. After that utterly humiliating defeat you suffered, I really can’t be associated with you. You understand, right? No hard feelings?”

“Right,” said Thor quietly, face blank, “No hard feelings.”

“You going to be okay?” asked Sif.

“Of course I am!” smiled Thor broadly, “Don’t worry about me! Go on and enjoy your day!”

Sif and Fandral did just that, each walking away from the group. Loki let out a long whistle.

“That was hard to watch,” muttered Jane.

“Fear not!” declared Thor with a smile, “They will both come back to me when I prove my worth as All-Father and take back the throne!”

“Thor…” sighed Jane, “Maybe it’s best if you just accept this. Brunnhilde is doing a great job and-”

“Nonsense!” dismissed Thor, walking off, “I’ll figure something out!”

Jane sighed. Loki smirked at her.

“What?” she asked.

“My brother isn’t what you expected him to be, is he?”

“I think…” considered Jane, “I think I need a minute to myself.”

“Take your time.”

Jane wandered away from the arena, unable to take in the breathtaking sights of Asgard as thoughts stirred around in her head. Loki was right. Thor really wasn’t quite what Jane thought he was. She didn’t have any ill will toward him for it, but it saddened her to think that he wasn’t the great ruler she thought he was. Above all, she found him less and less attractive as she learned more about his incompetence as All-Father.

“Midgardian girl!” shouted Brunnhilde.

Jane turned to face the woman. She still wore her armor, complete with sword and scabbard. Jane found herself drawn to the war paint tattooed to her face. This woman was not only one of the most powerful warriors in Asgard, but also an excellent All-Mother.

“Uh…” stuttered Jane nervously, “I should go. I gotta get back to- HEY!”

Jane had begun to shuffle away as she spoke, only to be interrupted by Brunnhilde drawing her sword and using the point of it to hook the back of Jane’s dress and lift her into the air. Jane grimaced. The sword had caught the waistband of her underwear too.

“You’re not going anywhere,” said Brunnhilde, “I want to know more about this situation with Mjolnir. Is it true you now wield the weapon?”

Jane nodded, still dangling from Brunnhilde’s sword.

“Show me,” said Brunnhilde, flicking her sword and tossing Jane aside.

Jane got to her feet and pulled the underwear out of her butt. Then she walked over to the umbrella she had dropped and picked it up. She tapped it on the ground. Lightning struck and when the bright flash of it was gone, Jane was standing there with Mjolnir in her Asgardian armor.

“Fascinating,” smiled Brunnhilde, “You truly do wield the power of Thor. Mjolnir was meant for you.”

“Excuse me?” asked Jane, confused.

“Thor has been the only one to wield Mjolnir since its forging,” explained Brunnhilde, “If after all these centuries it would abandon him in favor of you, you must be truly worthy.”

“...really?”

“Undoubtedly.”

Jane noticed that she had started sweating. Even in her armor with all the power of Thor, she felt intimidated. She wasn’t afraid Brunnhilde would hurt her, but she did find herself incredibly anxious about what to say to her and did her best to keep her eyes on Brunnhilde’s face, not her toned and muscular body.

 _Oh God,_ realized Jane, _She’s REALLY hot…_

“A Midgardian more worthy than the God of Thunder himself,” said Brunnhilde, walking closer, “I’d like to get to know you better.”

“Uh…”

“If you’d like,” said Brunnhilde quietly, placing a hand on Jane’s arm, “I could show you around the palace. Maybe let you see my quarters. Maybe I’ll let you see… something else as well.”

 _Oh boy,_ thought Jane, _I’m sorry, Thor. You’re not going to like this, but I will NOT miss out on this opportunity!_

“Yes,” nodded Jane enthusiastically, “Yes, please!”

***

“Hm…” pondered Thor, “What if I teamed up with the trolls or the giants?”

“That would start a war,” said Loki.

“Yeah…” realized Thor, “You’re right. Oh! What if I trick her into leaving? Then I can take the throne while she’s gone!”

“She’ll probably leave a retainer or someone behind,” pointed out Loki, “and that person will definitely not yield the throne to you.”

“Hm…” nodded Thor, “I should have thought of that when I left.”

“Indeed.”

Loki and Thor were sat beside one another on a bench. Thor had been brainstorming other methods of reclaiming the throne, but so far Loki had debunked each and every one in about a sentence. Still, Thor’s determination did not waver.

“I could start a new Asgard!” suggested Thor, “One where I’m the All-Father!”

“Who would live there?” asked Loki.

“Well there’s me, for starters,” said Thor, “Then you and Jane… And I guess that’s it.”

“...excellent plan.”

“Jane Foster!” exclaimed Thor happily.

Jane walked timidly up to the two of them. She was back in her civilian clothes and had something of a flow to her. Still, she looked uncomfortable about something. Thor hadn’t seen her for a few hours, so it was a pleasant surprise to see her again. 

“Hi Thor…” she said.

“Where have you been?” he asked, “Exploring the wonders of Asgard?”

“...yeah,” she said, “and also-”

“Loki and I just came up with the perfect plan to make me All-Father again!”

“We did?” asked Loki.

“Yes!” beamed Thor, “All we need is a place to build a new Asgard!”

“Thor,” said Jane, now more emphatic, “I have something I have to tell you.”

“What is it?”

“It’s…” she said slowly, “...sort of a confession.”

“Well, go on!” said Thor, “Out with it!”

“I was, uh…” began Jane, “...walking around the colosseum when Brunnhilde showed up-”

“Jane Foster!” cried Brunnhilde from atop her winged horse in the distance, “The sex was excellent! Thank you!”

Jane turned bright red, clenched her teeth, hunched her shoulders, and began to aggressively fiddle with the fabric on her dress. Thor’s jaw dropped as he stared at her in disbelief. His eyes almost began to water, but he held it back. He took a deep breath.

“I see you have seduced her, Jane Foster,” nodded Thor, “Excellent work.”

“No, Thor…” admitted Jane bashfully, “It was her idea. We both wanted it. It was really good, actually.”

Jane was putting it lightly. Brunnhilde had absolutely blown her mind. The woman’s vast experience, strength, and compassionate love-making had made for a truly meaningful first time for Jane.

“Oh…” realized Thor sadly, “Well, I assure you that I won’t hold it against you. Surely once we have made love you will-”

“I’m, uh…” whispered Jane, “...not really interested in that anymore.”

“...what?”

“I’m sorry,” she frowned, “It’s just, you really seem like you’re kind of a mess right now.”

“Nonsense!” declared Thor, his voice slightly trembling, “I’m doing as well as ever!”

“Thor…” sighed Loki, “You’ve been dethroned, emasculated, and dumped three times in one day. You’d have to be an absolute madman to be doing well after all that.”

“Well then I guess I’m mad!!” cackled Thor nervously.

His eye twitched.

“Maybe we should head back,” suggested Loki.

“Yeah,” agreed Jane, “Don’t worry too much about the whole All-Father thing. You’ll bounce back!”

“No need to bounce back when I’m already doing just fine!” insisted Thor, “I’m about to take the throne back now. I can feel it!”

“Come on, Thor,” sighed Jane, “Let it go. This clearly isn’t what you were meant to do.”

“What are you talking about?” asked Thor, “I was born to be All-Father!”

“Maybe,” said Jane, “but maybe it’s best you do something OTHER than what you were born to do. You know, make your own future.”

“Hm…” considered Thor.

“You’re an Avenger, after all!” continued Jane, “You helped save Earth! You’re a hero! Maybe that’s your calling!”

Thor breathed in deeply before letting out a long, pensive exhalation.

“You might have a point,” he admitted, “It may be best that I move on from being All-Father. After all, being an Avenger has been wonderful!”

“Yeah!” encouraged Jane.

“Yeah!” smiled Thor, “And I’m proud of it too!”

“Yeah!”

“It matters to me far more than some silly throne,” continued Thor, “Come! Let’s return home! By which I mean the Triskelion, because my true calling is to be an Avenger!”

Jane used Mjolnir to take them back to Earth, where they returned to the Triskelion. They were only a few steps into the building when Hill emerged from a door and approached them. She must have come the moment she knew they were there.

“Ms. Foster,” she said, “I’m glad you’re here. I’d like to make you an offer.”

“An offer?”

“How would you like to join the Avengers?” she said.

“Really!?” cried Jane in disbelief, “Me!?”

“Yes,” nodded Hill expressionlessly, “I’ve been over your profile.”

“My profile?”

“More specifically,” said Hill, “I created a profile for you based on all the information we had. You’re the perfect candidate for the team.”

“Oh my God!” exclaimed Jane.

“Do you accept?”

“Uh, yes! Thank you!”

“Don’t thank me,” said Hill, “It was strictly a matter of qualifications.”

“Congratulations!” declared Thor, patting Jane on the back so hard she coughed, “This is wonderful! I cannot wait for the adventures we’ll share together as Avengers!”

“That brings me to my second point,” said Hill, “Thor, I regret to inform you that your services are no longer needed.”

“...what?”

“You’re being terminated,” she said plainly, “Please clean out your quarters by the end of the day.”

“Wait!” protested Thor, “You can’t do that! I have done nothing wrong!!”

“Oh?” asked Hill, raising an eyebrow, “You don’t see anything wrong with gallivanting off across the rainbow without telling anyone?”

“I did tell someone!!” argued Thor angrily, “I even filled out those ridiculous forms!!”

“The only leave of absence request we received was from Loki,” said Hill.

Thor turned and looked to Loki in confusion.

“I didn’t want to fill out one of those forms,” shrugged Loki, “So I just took yours and replaced your name with mine.”

“LOKI!!!”

“Come on!” smiled Loki uncomfortably, “It was just a prank!”

“If your quarters are not cleared by the end of the day, your belongings will be confiscated,” said Hill, walking away, “Jane, you’ll be receiving your bunking information shortly.”

“Thor…” whispered Jane, “I… I’m sorry. I had no idea that-”

“Do not worry!” assured Thor, smiling so widely it looked painful, “It’s no big deal! I’m sure I’ll be fine. Who cares about being an Avenger anyway?”

“So…” tested Loki, “You’re not mad at me?”

“Of course not!” said Thor, “After all, it was just a prank!”

Thor’s fists were clenched so tight that his knuckles were turning white.

“I never liked being an Avenger anyway!” laughed Thor forcefully, “I can’t wait to clean out my quarters!”

“Okay…” said Jane doubtfully, “If you say so…”

“See you around!” called Thor as he walked off.

“You think he’s going to be okay?” asked Jane once Thor was out of earshot.

“No,” said Loki, “but I’ve got an idea to cheer him up.”

Thor walked up confidently to his room. He waved at the agents as he passed them in the halls, masking the pangs of regret that he may never see them again. He made it to his room, still smiling broadly, and had packed all of two of his shirts before he fell to the ground crying. He quickly became a wailing, teary mess. The weather outside worsened with his every sob.

He couldn’t take it anymore. Failure by failure this day had stripped him of everything. He had lost Mjolnir, his throne, three partners, and now his job! No matter how hard he tried to convince himself it was fine, he couldn’t deny it any longer! He felt miserable!

Thunder crashed as lightning blew away the wall to Thor’s room, leaving a huge hole overlooking D.C. The weather slowly began to calm down. Clouds lightened. The brutal winds became a light breeze.

Thor took a shaky breath as he calmed down from his crying. He wiped his tears and nose on his sleeve and rubbed his eyes. When he opened them again, he saw a sheet of parchment fluttering on the wind. He plucked it out of the air. It was a letter.

**Thor! This is Peter the Quick. I have been kidnapped by the evil and cunning Loki! Please help! You’re the only one who can save me!**

Thor crushed the note in his hand as his eyes filled with lightning of righteous fury. He stared out over the city with determination. All he cared about now was saving his dear friend.

“Hold on, Peter…” he whispered, “I’m coming.”

Renewed with purpose and dedication, Thor leapt out the hole in a burst of lightning, falling to the ground and sprinting away in a flash. He would save Peter from Loki’s clutches if it was the last thing he did.

**Author's Note:**

> "Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!" -Asgardian peasants, probably


End file.
